Every year I handle today differently.  This year, I am bitter.

I always used to get offended when people called suicide “selfish”.   They have no idea what you were going through; what drove you to this or why you would consider suicide as your only option.  But that’s the thing.  WHY.  No one knows why.  No one ever will or ever could know why.  & that has been the biggest struggle of my life.  At seven years old, wanting to know what I did wrong.  Why didn’t you want to be my Dad any more?  I was so sorry for all the times I made you mad at me.  All the times I didn’t listen or talked back. Maybe if I hadn’t. Maybe if I would’ve cleaned my room the first time you asked.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  The weight of blame & guilt is overbearing and it is so easy to drown in the what ifs. So this year, I am angry for you being “selfish”. Continue reading Dear Dad, I Am So Mad At You. →